ESL: Jokes

Just when I was running out of ideas for my advanced class, I decided to start telling jokes.  Now, their weekly homework assignment is to bring one English joke to class and tell it.  It's a pretty good way to learn the subtleties of the language, and it's not boring! Here are some good, fairly simple ESL jokes and riddles.

Riddles

What gets wetter and wetter the more it dries?

A towel.

What begins with P, ends with E, and has 1,000 letters?

Post office.

What can you catch but not throw?

A cold.

What goes around the world but stays in a corner?

A stamp.

A father and son were in a car accident. The father died, and the son was taken to the hospital. The doctor said, "I cannot operate on this boy. He is my son." How is this possible?

Answer: The doctor is his mother.

What begins with E, ends with E, and has one letter?

Envelope.

What kind of nut has a hole?

Donut.

A cowboy rode into town on Friday, stayed three days, and left on Friday. How is this possible?

His horse's name is "Friday."

What do you call a fish without an eye?

A "fsh!"

What car is spelled the same forwards and backwards?

Racecar.

If you drop a yellow hat in the Red Sea, what does it become?

Wet?

What month has 28 days?

All of them!

Jokes

Two cannibals were eating a clown. One cannibal looked at the other cannibal and said, "Do you taste something funny?"

A duck walked into a pharmacy to buy some chapstick (lip balm).

The clerk asked, "Will that be cash or credit?"

The duck replied, "You can just put it on my bill."

Two muffins were baking in an oven. One muffin looked at the other and said, "Hey man, is it getting hot in here?"  The other muffin said, "Ahhhhh!  You can talk!"

Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 ate 9 (7 8 9).

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other hunter whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, and then a shot is heard. The hunter's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"

A woman carrying a baby gets on a bus. As she pays the fare, the bus driver looks at the baby and says, "Ugh! Lady, that's absolutely the ugliest baby I've ever seen." The woman is fuming. Still carrying the baby, she walks back toward the rear of the bus, finds an empty seat and sits down. She says to a man sitting next to her, "The bus driver was terribly rude to me when I got on. I've never been so insulted in all my life! I've got half a mind to tell him off." The man says, "And that's what you should do. Don't let him get away with insulting you. Walk right up there and let him know how you feel. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Patient: "Doctor, I think I'm suffering from memory loss."
Doctor: "Have you ever had it before?"

Doctor: "What's wrong with your brother?"
Boy: "He thinks he's a chicken."
Doctor: "Really? How long has he thought this?"
Boy: "Three years."
Doctor: "Three years!"
Boy: "We would have brought him in sooner, but we needed the eggs."

Patient: "Something's wrong! I'm shrinking!"
Doctor: "Take it easy, sir. You'll just have to be a little patient."

Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.

What did the numeral 0 say to the numeral 8?
Nice belt!

Which word does everyone always pronounce wrong?

"Wrong." :P

Why was the baby ant so confused?
Because all his uncles were aunts.

A guy yells across the river, "Hey, how do you get to the other side of this river?"
Another guy on the other side yells back, "You are on the other side!"

Can an elephant jump higher than a lamppost?
Yes. Lampposts can't jump.

Where do you find a no-legged dog?
Right where you left him.

A duck walks into a drugstore and says, "Gimme some Chapstick and put it on my bill."

A Guy Walks into a Bar...

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "So, why the long face?"

A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Has my father been in here?" The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"

A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here." The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

A cheeseburger walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

A goldfish flops into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The man asks, "Does your dog bite?" The lady answers, "Never!" The man reaches out to pet the dog, and the dog bites his hand. The man says, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" The woman replies, "He doesn't. That's not my dog."

A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What'll you have?" The skeleton says, "Give me a beer, and a mop."

A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

A guy walks into a bar in Cork, in Ireland, and asks the barman: "What's the quickest way to get to Dublin?" "Are you walking or driving?" asks the barman. "Driving," says a man. "That's the quickest way," says the barman.

A tourist goes into a bar where a dog is sitting in a chair playing poker. He asks, "Is that dog there really playing poker?" And the bartender says, "Yeah, but he's not too smart. Whenever he has a good hand, he starts wagging his tail."

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. He says, "A beer for me and one for my giraffe." And they stand around drinking for hours until the giraffe passes out on the floor. The man pays the tab and gets up to leave. The bartender says, "Hey! You're not going to leave that lyin' on the floor, are you?" The man says, "That's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his dog by its hind legs and swings him around in a circle. The bartender says, "Hey, buddy, what are you doing?" And the blind man says, "Don't mind me. I'm just looking around."